Friday, 30 September 2011
I seem to draw men to me whom I love more than they love me. I would like to give myself credit for getting closer and closer to my ideal relationship with each love I share. I would love to be able to see each failed relationship as not only a testament to my ability to love and be loved, but as a lesson learned. Depending upon how far away I am from each respective relationship, the perception of how wonderful the men I’ve loved have been and how valuable the lesson learned changes. Each and every time I’ve fallen in love, which has been five times now, I’ve given my love unconditionally. Only once was has it been returned equally. (How tragically sad is it that I was nineteen years old at the time!) Suffice it to say, all of my relationships have failed and I’m middle-aged, facing the possibility that I might be that crazy, single relative at the family reunion who is slightly off and everyone feels pity for.
I’m plagued with asking myself if it isn’t something inherent in me that attracts men who can’t love me the way I want to be loved. As many people love to tell me, I’m a horrible wretch of a person who is unlovable and undeserving of love. That can’t be true. Everyone is deserving of love. I mean, I haven’t done anything terrible, I have committed no crime for which my sentence was to die alone and unloved. I’m sure I’m deserving of love, of this I’m positive, I’m just not sure I know why a happy, healthy relationship has remained so elusive for me. As I’m sure every single woman has asked herself, what are the things in a man that are deal breakers and what are the things that are nothing more than differences that can be overcome? Whatever that balance is, I haven’t found it yet. I give men the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn’t.
I ask myself, how much does chemistry, compatibility, and connection play in forming a relationship? I have loved a man with whom he and I shared no absolutely similar belief systems and I forgave his shortcomings because the chemistry was electric. I loved a man who shared an inherent connection of like spirits but intellectually we were . . . not equals. I loved a man who was 100% compatible, we had chemistry off the charts, but ethically his true self was polar opposite to my every sensibility. He was working on his issues and for that I gave him credit. Too much credit it seems as he was emotionally deceptive with me, telling me he cared for me much more than he actually did. In retrospect, I can see that he was never good enough for me. He was never going to be as honest as I wanted him to be, he was never going to have as much integrity as I needed him to have; he never possessed the emotional maturity of a man who was deserving of my love. I settled for his potential, what he and I could have become. I don’t think I was wrong for that but my brain finds it hard to process the dissolution of yet another relationship because loving is something I crave in my life, it is such an integral part of my identity.
I give credit to anyone who has found someone with whom to share their lives. I am awed by the commitment it takes to form a relationship where you share values, morals, interests, and goals. I want that. I’m not sure I’ll ever achieve it. Perhaps it is my life lesson to go without that which I seek most.
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Brighton based songstress Andreya Triana recently performed on the German leg of Red Bull Music Academy's world tour, where she performed covers of songs by David Bowie, Depeche Mode and Missy Elliott. She did a stunning cover of Missy Elliott`s classic hit "All N My Grill",which is taken from her groundbreaking second album "Da Real World". Andreya puts her own stamp on it and then some.
I close my eyes and I feel your lips touch mine and I’m lifted, transported to a time and space where I become the embodiment of all that is feminine and womanly. That primal instinct, that genetic, biological, evolutionary stuff that makes me a woman, that makes me think and move and navigate the world like a true womb-man is activated and I feel . . . I FEEL alive and whole. Your hand reaches out to caress my flesh and my body comes alive. You tell me your dirty little secrets, I reveal mine, and I know that we are intimately bonded. All of the nerve endings that make my nipples hard, longing for your mouth to suckle and nurse them, that make my pussy start to tingle and throb, getting wet and slippery with arousal awaiting your gentle manipulation, are electrified and I feel aglow with warmth that only your touch can ignite.
Feelings of joy, peace, tranquility, and love flood my very soul when our bodies are intertwined. Our legs become a tangled mass and our heartbeats begin to sync up; my inhalation and your exhalation become a sensual metronome counting our fevered passion until we become one. Your hands roam my body and I feel your hardness, your wetness against my brown thigh, evidence of your desire for me. You need to be inside me, to feel my cunt envelope and embrace you, to let down your guard and feel safe, nurtured and loved. It’s because when you are inside me, those DNA strands that make you feel inherently like a man, those instinctual drives that propel you to unload your hot cum deep inside me, filling me, completing me, make you feel like a provider and protector, like you are truly home.
I love who I am when you are inside me. I love feeling desired, pleasured, and needed. I love when I feel your sweat raining down on me, knowing that pussy, MY pussy is driving you mad with bliss. When we are fucking, the sheets damp with our fluids, the neighbors’ blaring music becomes a soundtrack to our lovemaking to drown out the sounds of my very vocal encouragement. Hearing you grunt, working hard to make me cum and feel my juices explode all over you fills me with a sense of intimacy and security only shared by tu y yo. I am your woman, your lover, your divine right partner and nothing and no one can disturb our peace.